It's not love, just a crush
by Luna Lumen
Summary: John makes assumptions and is an idiot. Rodney is also an idiot, but an oblivious one that doesn't understand subtlety. Teyla is awesome like always and Ronan doesn't like dealing with other people's romance problems.
1. Chapter 1

John slouches in his chair - the position is almost comfortable enough that he doesn't notice the ache in his back. He's mostly able to ignore the looks Ronan and Teyla give him, though not entierly. The mission had been easy when compared to some of their wilder ones, but moving around heavy objects had still forcefully reminded him that he's not quite as young as he used to be, no matter how well he passes the tests Carson gives him.

He wouldn't be having this problem if Ronan hadn't started giving him those infuriating little smirks while making sure that everybody knew he was the one doing the real lifting. He'd even had the _nerve_ to ask if he wanted to take a break! And John couldn't just let that slide, no way. So in answer he'd just smirked at the younger man annoyingly and worked faster and harder than before, which in hindsight hadn't really been his best idea. Now he has to endure Teyla's pointed inquiries that _sound_ concerned, but are really meant to embarrass him and remind him of his limits, and also Ronan's smug overbearing grins that he doesn't even have the decency to try to hide.

So what if he's not as fit as he used to be, he's still the leader of the team and they should give him the respect he deserves! Though it's actually quite common that they only follow his lead on missions, and sometimes even then decide that their ideas are better. Why does he even bother?

At least Rodney hadn't been there to witness his shame; John isn't sure he could defend himself against Rodney's sharp words as well he could against his other team-mates' in his current state. After all, Rodney was a professional at making people cry no matter how tough they thought they were. He's also grateful Rodney hadn't had to do the work with them because John was _sure_ he couldn't have handled watching Rodney's broad shoulders and strong arms as his muscles flexed. At least without having an indecent reaction.

It had been a small mercy to discover that the people native to the planet weren't dangerous, though they were all disappointed, most of all Rodney, when the small trinket they worshiped and believed to actually be some sort of powerful Ancient device had turned out to only be a child's toy in terms of destructive power. At least Rodney hadn't made _them_ cry. He'd only made them angry... which actually isn't that much better now that John really thinks about it. Oh well.

It's because of this that he's hoping Rodney will get to the mess hall soon and distract Ronan and Teyla with his whining enough that they'll stop mentioning his unfortunate mishap. It's a bit weird that he isn't sitting beside John already, stuffing his mouth with food and complaining about the village's unhygienic handling of meat products. John is just starting to get worried, glancing more frequently at the doors than he should be, but the others are still watching him with amused smiles and teasing him for all they're worth.

That's why John sees him first. John's heart feels like it skips a beat, then squeezes painfully. The dull ache doesn't go away and there's not enough air to _breathe_. Except he's breathing fine and there's actually nothing wrong with his heart, he knows that.

He doesn't say anything to indicate that he's noticed Rodney arrive. He doesn't _do_ _anything_ when Rodney comes into the mess hall with a glowing smile and a slight skip in his step. He just sits there, frozen, staring at Rodney across the room as he makes his way over to the line to get his food. There's nothing he _could_ do, nothing that wouldn't somehow show how he really felt, though his motionlessness is enough to make Teyla give him a searching look and even Ronan takes notice. Despite that, it's for the best that John just stays quiet until Rodney finally makes it to their table, that he lets Rodney drop his tray onto the table with a bang to gather the attention of all his teammates.

The loud noise is enough to distract Teyla and Ronan from their scrutiny, and he can tell that they're just happy that their usually scowling friend seems to have miraculously recovered from his earlier bad mood. They don't know Rodney as well as he does, don't know what this weird good mood and glowing mean. John knows though. He recognizes the way Rodney is, recognizes it from the last time Rodney got together with someone he really liked. The aforementioned astrophysicist starts talking before he's even sat down, his tone happy for once while he criticizes the others in the science department.

It's because of this that it takes them all a few minutes to notice that John hasn't said a word since Rodney arrived. Rodney of course is the first, turning to him with a question John can't for the life of him remember. He's lucky enough to get the general gist of it, but details escaped him. "John?" Rodney asks, the joy seeping out of his smile the longer John doesn't respond, replaced by annoyence.

"John?" Teyla repeats Rodney's question, sterner and with an added scolding tone.

He truly is a horrible person, and worst of all a horrible friend. But isn't Teyla supposed to be able tell that he's heart-broken right now? Not that he's really _heartbroken_ or anything, it's just a silly crush if even that. But she's always been the most perspective out of all of them, and if anyone would understand his predicament it would be her. She probably _can_ tell and is just angry that he couldn't stop being selfish enough to be happy for his best friend for finally getting into a relationship. Damn.

"Sure, buddy." He tries to cover up the fact that he hadn't been listening, but it's a lame attempt even he himself cringes at.

Rodney gives him an unimpressed look, his chin tilting up in that stubborn, self-conscious way of his that John just can't help but find endearing. John tries to give him an apologetic smile, but he thinks it turns out more like a grimace by the way Teyla frowns at him. Today just really isn't his day.

"Sorry, I'm still tired from our mission." That at least gets Rodney distracted enough to start complaining about how the people there couldn't possibly have been stupid enough to believe that the ancient device they had was powerful enough to defeat the Wraith when it didn't even have enough energy to show up on the life signs detector. He's a bit more subdued now, his sweeping hand gestures smaller, and John can tell that it's all his fault.

John secretly agrees that the people there really were kind of stupid, but he can't really concentrate enough to say anything because Teyla is giving him the Evil Eye of Doom, and he isn't entirely sure he'll survive their next training session if he doesn't somehow make up for how he'd acted. But he also kind of agrees with and accepts it because he feels terrible for ruining one of Rodney's rare good moods. He hasn't had enough of those lately, most likely because of the Arcturus thing.

John doesn't like to think about the incident, though he's mostly started showing Rodney that he trusts him again. Rodney's been making an effort to earn it too, listening to John more carefully and obeying orders without the usual amounts whining. It's been hard, especially with John's inconvenient feelings making it more difficult than it has to be, but lately they've been almost like they used to be, maybe even closer for having lived through the it and still remained friends.

* * *

As it turns out _Ronan _is the who who kicks his ass the following day. He'd asked John to spar with him and John had agreed easily enough because he'd wrongly assumed that Teyla would be the one to try and talk to him after giving him a thorough workout. It usually _is_ Teyla, but they probably already know him well enough to know that he'd avoid her to escape, and had decided to shake things up a little to confuse him. He'll never underestimate Ronan's sensibility again. If he even lives long enough for it to matter.

It seems like he'd been wrong. This clearly isn't his _week. _Or maybe it hasn't even been his year and he just hasn't given it enough thought to notice.

"Ronan," he groans pleadingly, trying to move _any_ of his muscles. It's pointless though. Ronan looks like he isn't going to let him up anytime soon and John knows that he'll never be able to overpower the Satedan in a million years. He gives one last hopeless push before he goes lax, surrendering to the no-doubt painful talk Ronan is gonna put him through.

He sighs in defeat. "Okay, go ahead big guy. Lay it on me," he drawls, his voice a little strained, trying to settle into a more comfortable position without moving. It's an impossible task. Ronan's dreads are occasionally brushing over his neck and cheeks, making them ticklish. He had a desperate urge to scratch them. He now knows that it would have been preferable if Teyla had been the one to talk to him. At least Teyla usually lets him up before she starts interrogation him.

"What, giving up already Sheppard?" Ronan says tauntingly, tightening his grip just a bit more before relaxing again. John takes a sharp breath, but stays silent. He knows how this will go. His friends mean well, but mostly all their serious conversations all take place after they've beaten John up in the guise of sparring. It's their thing.

Ronan sighs morosely, as if he'd hoped John would put up more of a fight. He still doesn't get off of John. "Teyla wants to know why you're being such a dick," he says bluntly. John very much doubts Teyla said that, she probably worded it differently, but the meaning is definitely the same.

He considers playing dumb, but knows that Ronan won't let him up before they've resolved whatever problems he thinks there are. "It's Rodney," he admits, hoping it would be enough to satisfy his friend, but knowing that it isn't. It's too unspecific, too general.

"What's McKay done now?" Ronan asks tiredly, as if John has a lot of problems that revolve around Rodney. Which it true.

"Nothing- I mean," he searches his mind for a lie, something that might pass off as believable. "He got together with Katie Brown." Damn it. What is _wrong_ with him?

Ronan gets off of him as expected, his face blank. "I'll go call Teyla." John doesn't bother to try and stop him; the talk with Teyla is going to happen no matter what. Maybe he'll even inexplicably stop liking Rodney as much as he does and everything will go back to normal. He sighs self-deprecatingly. This is what he's been reduced to. At least he knows that nobody else will come here and see him. It's a small mercy, but still something.

He's still in the same position when Teyla walks in, a slight frown marring her face. "John?" She sounds calm and sure of herself, just like usual, except with just a touch of concern and even some fondness. He hadn't realized he needed that, but now all the tension leaves his body like it hadn't even been there in the first place.

"I'm ruining our friendship." He doesn't bother to clarify himself, sure that Ronan has already told her everything. She'll know what he's talking about. Teyla stays silent, seriously giving his words some thought. He's always liked that about her.

"I think you are." John looks up at her incredulously. Shouldn't she be saying the opposite? "You should talk to him before you decide things for yourself. Communicate." Her words are gentle but commanding, and he feels a bit childish. This is why he doesn't like talks with Teyla.

But it can't be as simple as that. Rodney's just gonna say that he got together with Keller - John knows it's Keller because she's the most logical conclusion; John doesn't know anybody else Rodney has liked and who's liked him enough - and then he's gonna expect John to be happy and supportive about it. John can't be happy and supportive about it. He's going to be miserable and jealous and cranky. And he's going to ruin their friendship.

Even if he somehow manages to act, just for that one talk, like everything is normal, he'll still mess it all up in no time. But what if he doesn't? What if he can keep pretending long enough for his feeling to disappear? Or long enough for Rodney and Keller to break up, though that doesn't fix anything because John will still have these bothersome feeling. So it's decided. He'll just have to wait for the feeling to go away. No big deal.

"You're right of course." She looks surprised, like he hasn't said what she expected either. Good. He can be mature about stuff. Most of the time. "I'm gonna talk to Rodney, and then I'll take a nap, and then we'll meet for dinner. How's that?" He gets up, dusting off the backs of his pants lazily as if the last half an hour hadn't even happened. Smooth.

"Yes, that's good John," she smiles at him a bit hesitantly. "I'm glad you understand."

John nods, a corner of his mouth lifting up. He'll get over this; he's not a child and he can handle a little heart-break. Even if it is more of a crush really.


	2. Chapter 2

John goes to find Rodney. He gets as far as the lab, where he's told that Rodney is somewhere else, before he gives up. Then he goes back to his own room and paces in the tiny space until dinner time comes, thinking about how pathetic he is and about how he isn't like this, because he's never done that weird pining from afar thing where he doesn't say or do anything to indicate that he likes somebody. He's always been open about it when he's attracted to a person, and it's usually worked out pretty well for him.

Maybe it's different now because he's actually gotten to know the person first without the physical attraction, and he's never gotten together with someone after he's known them as a friend first. Actually, that first part is a blatant lie. He _was _attracted to Rodney when they first met, just not enough to do anything about it because it's pretty obvious that Rodney doesn't do men. It had been easier to be his friend when he knew for sure that they'd never be anything else. That was all before his attraction had turned into something more serious.

At least now he knows that being friends with someone who is even a little bit your type (or the very definition of your type, what's the difference there anyway) is not something worth doing. Because then you get to know them and they're sarcastic and rude, altogether snarky and smug and over-confident but still weirdly self-conscious and that odd sort of imperfect that makes up perfect in its own way.

He doesn't go to dinner.

It's not too bad, he still has a few power-bars in his backpack left over from the mission and maybe he can even read a bit of War and Peace. Well, not the latter because he still can't quite bring himself to finish that one page. He keeps thinking that he'll just read it from the start again and when he gets to _that part_ he'll just keep reading, but that hasn't happened yet and he's still stuck. On the bright side, at least he now knows the plot and characters thoroughly.

He continues pacing after eating his rations. He's quite proud of his pacing, it had been difficult at first because of the small space, but now he's practically a master already. He's also a bit ashamed that he's gotten this good, but there's nothing to do about it so he just tries to think positively.

He feels justifiably surprised when Rodney storms into his room unannounced half an hour later, an irritated look on his face and tapping his foot restlessly. John stares at him from his place on the bed, having finally convinced himself to read the damn book. Because if he's chicken enough not to talk to Rodney after he found someone to be happy with, then he can at least start reading the damned book, even if it's more as a punishment.

He's glad actually, because he would have surely ruined the whole book for himself if he'd read it while not really wanting to read to. Subconscious resentment, or something like that. It's happened to him before.

"Sheppard!" Rodney snaps impatiently when he notices the absentminded look on John's face.

"Rodney," John drawls slowly, knowing that it will piss Rodney off more. He likes doing it from time to time because of the faces Rodney makes. It's like a small treat he lets himself have whenever he's feeling particularly down. "Is there a particular reason you're here, or did you just want to see me?"

Rodney glares at him, visibly getting more irritated. "Teyla made me come here because she said there was something you wanted, so just spit it out and I can go away."

John startles at the spiteful tone, jerking up to a sitting position to look at Rodney more carefully. The happy smile from yesterday is gone, replaced by an even bigger than usual scowl. His eyes have bags under them, his usually blue eyes dull and bloodshot, and his hair is sticking up in weird directions, as he's been running his hands through them. John blinks in bafflement. What could have happened in the last twenty-four hours to make such a drastic change?

"Oh." He spends a second thinking up a reason for Rodney to stay but not start talking about his new relationship. "I wanted to know if you'd found out what that device from our last mission does."

Rodney relaxes a little, but only for a moment. "No. And I'm not going to if I'm interrupted every time I start working on it," he says testily, crossing his arms defensively.

"Okay then," John says calmly, intentionally leaving his face open so Rodney won't think he's trying to antagonize him again. "Do you wanna stay over for a bit then, hang out?"

"Did you not just hear me?!" Rodney explodes, raising his hands up disbelievingly. "I have work to do!" He turns around and marches out of the room, somehow making the door bang even though it's not theoretically possible. John stares after him, nonplussed. And Rodney says the city loves _him_.

* * *

"- and then he left." John looked at Teyla accusingly. "Are you happy?"

Teyla gave him a reproachful look, shaking her head at him. "John, this is exactly where you have gone wrong. I told him to come to you so you could talk things out, not aggravate him further." She glanced away from him. "I suppose this is my fault as well, though. I saw that he was not at his best." John snorted. "But if I saw it then surely you must have as well." He looked away guiltily.

"But I asked him to hang out so he could relax!" He runs his hands through his hair, although at this point it can't get any messier even if he tried. "I get that he has a lot more work to do than anybody else around here, I do, but there was no need to yell and just leave." He sighs, wondering hopelessly if there was any way he could make this worse. Though on second thought he'd better not jinx it.

"Rodney is under a lot of stress, that is true, but I think it's more than that. Something more must have happened, because just yesterday he was smiling as if he'd won that Noble prize he talks so much about." John loves it when Teyla, or Ronan for that matter, talk about Earth things they don't really understand.

"I know." He groans, resisting the urge to hide his face behind his hands. "Something must have happened with Keller."

He's still looking down, so he doesn't notice the confused expression on Teyla's face. "What does Doctor Keller have to do with all of this? I thought she was getting along with Rodney."

John doesn't bother raising his head. "Well, obviously they started dating yesterday. You saw the way he was. They must have had a fight or something." Teyla gently urges him to lift his head, giving him a searching look.

"John, Doctor Keller has accompanied a team to a planet that has special plants for healing She hadn't heard about them before, and the people there won't allow a sample to be taken by anybody that isn't a healer. She hasn't been on Atlantis for the last three days. Haven't you talked about this with Elizabeth?"

John looks at her with a blank expression, trying to understand what she was saying. Had he done that? No, he hadn't seen Weir since... since last week, at the very least, which was strange. Even stranger considering the fact that they're both sort of leaders of the city and they have meetings. The last of which he hadn't gone to because of an emergency in a still unexplored part of the city. Huh.

"No I didn't. But then why was Rodney so happy yesterday?" He tries to make sense of the new information, but it's difficult.

"I don't know." She gives him a look. "But the important thing here is that you over-reacted and started to panic over nothing. This should be a lesson to you, so that the next time something like this happens you don't immediately try to distance yourself from Rodney and will actually be supportive. You want him to be happy, don't you?"

John nods miserably, taking a sip from his abandoned tea-cup. It cheers him up a little; Teyla makes fantastic tea. He's starting to feel a little ashamed for barging into her room and pushing all of his troubles on her, but she hasn't made him go away yet so he doesn't think it bothers her too much.

"The best thing you can do right now is to leave him some time alone to work out whatever is wrong, since he obviously doesn't want your help with it," John winces. "And if he does want to spend time with you, try to act like an actual friend, not like you have been."

"Yeah." He sighs and puts his cup down again, getting up with a groan. He really is getting old. "Thanks for listening to me and not throwing me out, but I still have to write that mission report." He waves at her, not missing the indulging look on her face as he goes.

* * *

The next few days are quiet, and John doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Usually he hangs out in the lab, bugging Rodney, but that doesn't really feel right with the way Rodney had been the last time they saw each other. He considers asking Radek about Rodney's weird mood, but then crosses the idea off because Radek hasn't been the most friendly towards him either.

He goes jogging with Ronan and has training sessions with his men, but it still feels weird, like his days are emptier. He hadn't realized how much time he spent with Rodney until now, and it's starting to dawn on him that maybe he hasn't been as conspicuous as he'd thought with his feelings. He's been getting weird looks from practically everyone he passes.

When he finally meets with Elizabeth, even she asks him what's wrong. Then she asks what's wrong with Rodney, though that isn't strange since everyone knows they're sort of best friends.

"Well, tell me when you figure it out. I've had scientists come complaining more than usual these past days and I don't have the time to deal with them," she says tiredly, shaking her head. After that she only talks about work, but John gets it. He decides to ignore Teyla's advice and go talk to Rodney. It's not like Rodney's mad at him personally, just mad at something else and taking it out on everybody he sees. Or at least John hopes that's the way it is.

The lab is quiet when he gets there, suspiciously quiet. The scientists are glancing around every few seconds, fearful looks on their faces. This is how John knows that he's doing the right thing.

He goes up to the nearest scientist, who flinches when he taps their shoulder. "Where McKay?" The scientist nods towards on of the consoles, giving him a pleading look. John can see feet sticking out beneath it, so he smiles gratefully and goes over to the feet.

"Hi Rodney."

Crashing noises come from beneath the console, followed by angry curses and muttering. Rodney pulls himself out, glaring balefully up at John. "What did I say about leaving me alone so I can finish?!"

John gives him a look, putting his hands into his pockets indifferently. "That was days ago, and I thought you might want to get lunch. Since you've only had coffee." He makes a guess based on the empty coffee cup and the fact that there aren't any empty wrappers or plates.

Rodney's stomach grumbles in answer, making him flush. "Fine," he says, pushing himself up and ignoring John's outstretched hand. He doesn't look back to make sure John is following when he leaves, so John hurries to catch up to him, slowing when he reaches Rodney's side. Rodney doesn't spare him a glance, stubbornly staring straight ahead.

"So what were you doing back there?" John asks conversationally, keeping his tone light just in case.

"Fixing other people's mistakes, like always." Rodney still doesn't turn to look at him, but his shoulders relax minutely. He even slows down a little. John considers it a success.

"I see." He searches for something else to talk about, cursing the awkwardness in his head. This has never happened to them before.

"You should come back to the labs after food," Rodney says unexpectedly, "I'm having trouble turning on that device from our last mission, maybe it'll work better for you." John looks at him in surprise, mostly at the civilized tone, but smiles in agreement.

"Yeah, I can come." He relaxes as well, glad that whatever had been bothering Rodney doesn't seem to be too bad.

The cafeteria is empty, which isn't a surprise considering most people have just finished having their lunch or won't be starting their lunch for at least half an hour. Rodney's plate is overflowing a bit, showing that he hasn't been eating well or regularly. John frowns, but doesn't mention it. His own plate is considerably smaller, but that doesn't really count seeing as today's food isn't exactly his favorite.

Rodney stays quiet for most of their meal, which is very, very unusual. John feels like he's in an alternate reality, which might actually be a real possibility considering all the weird shit they've gone through. He doesn't voice his thoughts in the off-chance that Rodney will think he's crazy and have him removed as the military leader of Atlantis.

John is understandably relived when Rodney starts talking on their way back to the lab. He doesn't even care that it's mostly about that one scientist, Rodney of course has forgotten their name, that managed to mess up more than usual.

Maybe he can deal with this after-all. It's not like Rodney is suddenly going to get a girlfriend, no matter John's previous misunderstanding. Rodney doesn't like Keller that much, and Keller has been making eyes at Ronan - who hasn't been - so maybe it's going to be alright.

He's done well enough with not saying or doing anything to make Rodney uncomfortable with his feelings, so probably he hasn't even noticed. There's no reason he should tell Rodney about them anyway, since nothing is going to happen except Rodney rejecting him. The thought brings a sharp stab of pain, but he ignores it.


End file.
